re: where is the joy?

in many ways I really dislike Christmas. For one, there's the rushing around, trying to find the right gift for that right person. Secondly, there's the uneasiness in the pit of my stomach that tells me I am wasting my time somehow. It is hard for me to go shopping, I have to use a walker, I get tired quickly, the cold on my legs brings new pain. So, it's just no fun at all,and I spend more time than I like looking thru catalogs. Just no fun.
Then there's the sadness that lingers on the sidelines, the void of those not around the tree this year, the people I love that I will not be able to hug and wish a Merry Christmas. There are little holes in my heart.
I find myself saying, "this time next month it will all be over", and that makes me feel better somehow.
And then I receive a note from an old friend, a brother I met thirty years ago when he entered the Order. And in his note he speaks of joy, and I feel better right away.
"Joy in life, joy in holiness, joy in relationships, even joy in suffering is a great gift of God, a mark of a life well lived and a faith well nurtured. Fame, success, self-esteem, health, happiness are transient, but joy - real joy - grows deep and endures." Thank you Lord, for friends who remind me of the true spirit of Christmas!

Hello Winter !

Today I visited a very "old" friend. She's so old that her daugther is mothering her thru a temporary setback. We laughed and prayed together. We remembered the years when our hair was much darker. We shared our faith and our fears.

The cold doesn't feel as bad when I am with someone and the quality of our time is precious. God calls us all to "be there" for each other. We shared the reading in the Forward for today. "in the sharing we honor one another's humanity and cherish the time we have together. And, in the process, God's precious gift of friendship assumes a sweet intensity we might not otherwise have known."

It's all good. Thank you God.

the steam of July of '10

The humidity and heat of July of 2010 is not my friend. But the summer began wonderfully with a long weekend retreat at Holy Cross. A great way to begin the summer, a way to purge the old, and acknowledge and bring in the new, to revive a spirit, to take deep breaths and just say outloud "what now lord!!".

And so I hold on to whatever, whoever, my husband, my son/daughter, my walker, my cane, and I keep on going. Blind faith is a bitch sometimes. But that's all of have sometimes, and even for that I am grateful. So, WhatNowLord? Guide me, give me the grace to get out of the way, and follow.

april showers bring may flowers! the flowers have arrived, some waiting to be planted. but the showers persist. the rain is not my friend. My legs do not like to move generally, but with the dampness and rain they are static characters. I must remember each day to start over, my legs need to move, and so I walk on the treadmill, let's wake up legs, I scream to them! And so it goes, again. I always must remember my blessings, after all I have legs, when I look down they are there, I am blessed... what now lord?

okay, I'm here Lord !

It has been a few weeks since I retired from my beloved Grace Church, after serving as their deacon for 6 plus years. I knew it was time, and with the first year of my three year study of spiritual direction coming to a close, I knew the work would become a lot to handle along with my diaconal duties. And so sadly, but clearly intended I said goodbye to sitting up front, to proclaiming the Gospel, to serving the communion, to praying with those folk I love so much. And now, WHATNOWLORD?

It is hard to give up what is known for the unknown, but one must listen to the signs, one must pay attention and sometimes just jump in faith. After all, darkness and light are both the same to Him, right? I ask your prayers.

what a wonderful acknowledgment

Sunday the 11th of April was one of the best days ... my last homily as deacon at Grace Church Haddonfield, a place I have hung my stole for seven years now. So many people to hug, a wonderful brunch in my honor, I know I am using wonderful a lot, but the best word right now on my tongue, wonderful and kind words, pictures. I was very afraid to say goodbye, being deacon there was so fulfilling for me, and giving up something that put me up front, fed my ego, made me feel wanted, it is hard to do that for someting vague and still forming.
But it was time, as in Ecclesiastes 3 "a time to search and a time to give up". I must give up right now in order to be open to what and where God is calling me next. I must close this door and wait for a new one to be revealed and open for me. I must lay my gift at another door. God is not finished with me yet, there is so much for us all to do.

Alleluia Soon!

Today is Maundy Thursday, at least this morning is. It is almost 2a.m, and I am still awake, doing things, like laundry, thiings that should have been done when normal people do it. Me Normal? No way. Good day, no rain, time at the pool and on the treadmill. HOLY WEEK, a time to be aware, to walk the walk of Christ, to remember...Lord, I walk with you this week. Thank you for walking with me, and carrying me when I could not walk.

a nudge is a sign

Okay, so on February 1st I fell in my own kitchen, and two weeks later I decided to get it checked, so it WAS broken. I had a nudge to go get it checked, and now I'm sorry I did. The pain was bad enough, but w/out getting it checked I could deny it and not believe it was broken. But when the x-ray confirms what you don't want to know -- it's not a good nudge.

Another nudge was one of a call to make a change as to my assigned diaconal ministry. Leaving a parish that had loved me and accepted me for seven plus years, well, it was not a nudge I wanted to accept as well. But it just wouldn't go away, and after months of thinking and praying and praying and thinking, well, I knew I was being called in another direction, and so my resignation as Grace Church's deacon. Overall my good memories will overshadow the not so good thoughts and experiences, and I will never ever forget the faces, especially of those that let me cry with them and laugh with them and hold them, and be held by them. I will never forget... and through it all I think of Julian, "all shall be well."

time for SPRING!

Today the weather reached 50 plus - and it almost lulled me into hoping that spring was soon, but alas it's still january, and chances are winter still has a bit of a visit w/us. I wish that I could be better more of the day than not. But, I'm not. If it weren't for my job that demands that I get up and move, sometime it is just easier to say no, not today. And it is almost three in the morning and while the house is quiet but for two men snoring... well, sleep is not the winner for me, but pain is. So I putz around the kitchen, have a yogurt, read emails and watch cnn, pray for the people of Haiti who aren't sleeping either. How my heart aches for the Haitian people, how insignificant my worries seem when I think of what their world must be like. Thank God for the rescue and recovery and may the people get the supplies they need. While I pray for an early spring, the people of Haiti pray from much more pain than I, help me to remember ... what nowLord?

how to live w/an artic blast outside your window?!

Since May of 2007 winters are hard hard hard! I now understand and remember all the elderly I have visited over the years when they would tell me how hard the cold was for them. I always wondered why an extra bit of effort couldn't be called on to get to church on time. While I would sympathize with the folk who would tell me that mornings were not age-friendly - underneath my understanding smile one could find a pre-judgment, one of "if you really want something bad enough - you make it happen" judgments.
Well, last sunday I really wanted to be there and proclaim the Gospel - to me one of the most important jobs a deacon enjoys! The drama of the GOSPEL ! And it is drama, too, believe it - how else could it have lived all these years were it not for the drama of it all?!
I really wanted to be there, but my legs were like peg legs, I was crippled with pain and I wondered whose legs they were - they weren't mine, they weren't paying attention to my direction to move and move now! And so, they won, and I read the readings from my mom's chair. I need a church community, I need to be among people who know what it is like to feel bad, and they have risen above the "badness" of their lives and made it to church. It's all good, and deep down inside spiritual seekers know that truth. So, there's next Sunday...