what now lord

obesity !!

2011-02-14T14:29:00.000-08:00

Finally faced the truth about my body. It isn't the first time I've done it, but now my legs/knees are buckling and revolting under the pressure of carrying around too much weight, anD my age doesn't help either. Years of evading mirrors are over, I hope. Soooo, I did what any other person might do, I sought help. Not Weight Watchers, although I know it works, but this obese woman needs more monitoring and one-on-one education (also more expensive, of course!).
We can put space stations out there, we can do amazing things in the medical arena, we can make things out of plastics, why can't we make lettuce taste like chocolate?
And why can't we find more complimentary words to describe people like me? Fat, obese, pleasantly plump, big boned, what's that all about? Only a real thin person could have come up with the word obese! Add insult to injury and call me MORBIDLY OBESE !!
So, here I am, facing a hard cold truth, turning 60, legs gone bad from transverse myelitis, along with arthritis, and now too much skin with stuff inside it!
WHAT NOW LORD !!

new year - new opportunities

2011-01-21T01:06:00.000-08:00

In case we can't do it on our own, the calendar starts again, a new january, a new february, et cetera. I am reminded that a new year brings 365 clean slates. How lucky am I? Or is it really luck? Maybe not. Could it be God whispering, "okay, another opportunity is yours! what are you going to do with it?" We are all called to make the most of each day, it's our choice. Will it be a day filled with positive statements and observations, or will we look toward the dark and contribute to the negativity that can surround us? We see what we expect to see, we attract what we are - we are more powerful than we will ever know.
So I kneel at the foot of the cross and repeat, whatnowlord? it's all good, as Julian said, "All shall be well."

re: welcome 2011

2011-01-01T21:18:00.001-08:00

well, made it into another opportunity. made it into a new year, a new decade, what now Lord? A clean slate, 365 chances to live each day being true. How many days will I succeed to follow God's will for my life? How many days will I be able to keep my ego from getting bigger than my faith? How many days will I be able to listen more than talk, to smile more than frown, to be gratefull more than selfish? How many opportunities will I take to say I'm sorry, to look for the good, to forgive, to look at the bigger picture? If left just to me that answer would be overwhelmingly against me, but if I walk the days with God, then my chances just got better. WhatnowLord?

re: where is the joy?

2010-12-21T20:24:00.000-08:00

in many ways I really dislike Christmas. For one, there's the rushing around, trying to find the right gift for that right person. Secondly, there's the uneasiness in the pit of my stomach that tells me I am wasting my time somehow. It is hard for me to go shopping, I have to use a walker, I get tired quickly, the cold on my legs brings new pain. So, it's just no fun at all,and I spend more time than I like looking thru catalogs. Just no fun.
Then there's the sadness that lingers on the sidelines, the void of those not around the tree this year, the people I love that I will not be able to hug and wish a Merry Christmas. There are little holes in my heart.
I find myself saying, "this time next month it will all be over", and that makes me feel better somehow.
And then I receive a note from an old friend, a brother I met thirty years ago when he entered the Order. And in his note he speaks of joy, and I feel better right away.
"Joy in life, joy in holiness, joy in relationships, even joy in suffering is a great gift of God, a mark of a life well lived and a faith well nurtured. Fame, success, self-esteem, health, happiness are transient, but joy - real joy - grows deep and endures." Thank you Lord, for friends who remind me of the true spirit of Christmas!

Hello Winter !

2010-12-09T22:30:00.000-08:00

Today I visited a very "old" friend. She's so old that her daugther is mothering her thru a temporary setback. We laughed and prayed together. We remembered the years when our hair was much darker. We shared our faith and our fears.

The cold doesn't feel as bad when I am with someone and the quality of our time is precious. God calls us all to "be there" for each other. We shared the reading in the Forward for today. "in the sharing we honor one another's humanity and cherish the time we have together. And, in the process, God's precious gift of friendship assumes a sweet intensity we might not otherwise have known."

It's all good. Thank you God.

the steam of July of '10

2010-07-05T20:51:00.000-07:00

The humidity and heat of July of 2010 is not my friend. But the summer began wonderfully with a long weekend retreat at Holy Cross. A great way to begin the summer, a way to purge the old, and acknowledge and bring in the new, to revive a spirit, to take deep breaths and just say outloud "what now lord!!".

And so I hold on to whatever, whoever, my husband, my son/daughter, my walker, my cane, and I keep on going. Blind faith is a bitch sometimes. But that's all of have sometimes, and even for that I am grateful. So, WhatNowLord? Guide me, give me the grace to get out of the way, and follow.

2010-05-25T03:11:00.000-07:00

april showers bring may flowers! the flowers have arrived, some waiting to be planted. but the showers persist. the rain is not my friend. My legs do not like to move generally, but with the dampness and rain they are static characters. I must remember each day to start over, my legs need to move, and so I walk on the treadmill, let's wake up legs, I scream to them! And so it goes, again. I always must remember my blessings, after all I have legs, when I look down they are there, I am blessed... what now lord?

okay, I'm here Lord !

2010-05-10T20:44:00.001-07:00

It has been a few weeks since I retired from my beloved Grace Church, after serving as their deacon for 6 plus years. I knew it was time, and with the first year of my three year study of spiritual direction coming to a close, I knew the work would become a lot to handle along with my diaconal duties. And so sadly, but clearly intended I said goodbye to sitting up front, to proclaiming the Gospel, to serving the communion, to praying with those folk I love so much. And now, WHATNOWLORD?

It is hard to give up what is known for the unknown, but one must listen to the signs, one must pay attention and sometimes just jump in faith. After all, darkness and light are both the same to Him, right? I ask your prayers.

what a wonderful acknowledgment

2010-04-14T07:14:00.001-07:00

Sunday the 11th of April was one of the best days ... my last homily as deacon at Grace Church Haddonfield, a place I have hung my stole for seven years now. So many people to hug, a wonderful brunch in my honor, I know I am using wonderful a lot, but the best word right now on my tongue, wonderful and kind words, pictures. I was very afraid to say goodbye, being deacon there was so fulfilling for me, and giving up something that put me up front, fed my ego, made me feel wanted, it is hard to do that for someting vague and still forming.
But it was time, as in Ecclesiastes 3 "a time to search and a time to give up". I must give up right now in order to be open to what and where God is calling me next. I must close this door and wait for a new one to be revealed and open for me. I must lay my gift at another door. God is not finished with me yet, there is so much for us all to do.

Alleluia Soon!

2010-03-31T22:34:00.000-07:00

Today is Maundy Thursday, at least this morning is. It is almost 2a.m, and I am still awake, doing things, like laundry, thiings that should have been done when normal people do it. Me Normal? No way. Good day, no rain, time at the pool and on the treadmill. HOLY WEEK, a time to be aware, to walk the walk of Christ, to remember...Lord, I walk with you this week. Thank you for walking with me, and carrying me when I could not walk.

a nudge is a sign

2010-03-02T17:40:00.001-08:00

Okay, so on February 1st I fell in my own kitchen, and two weeks later I decided to get it checked, so it WAS broken. I had a nudge to go get it checked, and now I'm sorry I did. The pain was bad enough, but w/out getting it checked I could deny it and not believe it was broken. But when the x-ray confirms what you don't want to know -- it's not a good nudge.

Another nudge was one of a call to make a change as to my assigned diaconal ministry. Leaving a parish that had loved me and accepted me for seven plus years, well, it was not a nudge I wanted to accept as well. But it just wouldn't go away, and after months of thinking and praying and praying and thinking, well, I knew I was being called in another direction, and so my resignation as Grace Church's deacon. Overall my good memories will overshadow the not so good thoughts and experiences, and I will never ever forget the faces, especially of those that let me cry with them and laugh with them and hold them, and be held by them. I will never forget... and through it all I think of Julian, "all shall be well."

time for SPRING!

2010-01-15T23:52:00.000-08:00

Today the weather reached 50 plus - and it almost lulled me into hoping that spring was soon, but alas it's still january, and chances are winter still has a bit of a visit w/us. I wish that I could be better more of the day than not. But, I'm not. If it weren't for my job that demands that I get up and move, sometime it is just easier to say no, not today. And it is almost three in the morning and while the house is quiet but for two men snoring... well, sleep is not the winner for me, but pain is. So I putz around the kitchen, have a yogurt, read emails and watch cnn, pray for the people of Haiti who aren't sleeping either. How my heart aches for the Haitian people, how insignificant my worries seem when I think of what their world must be like. Thank God for the rescue and recovery and may the people get the supplies they need. While I pray for an early spring, the people of Haiti pray from much more pain than I, help me to remember ... what nowLord?

how to live w/an artic blast outside your window?!

2010-01-05T13:47:00.000-08:00

Since May of 2007 winters are hard hard hard! I now understand and remember all the elderly I have visited over the years when they would tell me how hard the cold was for them. I always wondered why an extra bit of effort couldn't be called on to get to church on time. While I would sympathize with the folk who would tell me that mornings were not age-friendly - underneath my understanding smile one could find a pre-judgment, one of "if you really want something bad enough - you make it happen" judgments.
Well, last sunday I really wanted to be there and proclaim the Gospel - to me one of the most important jobs a deacon enjoys! The drama of the GOSPEL ! And it is drama, too, believe it - how else could it have lived all these years were it not for the drama of it all?!
I really wanted to be there, but my legs were like peg legs, I was crippled with pain and I wondered whose legs they were - they weren't mine, they weren't paying attention to my direction to move and move now! And so, they won, and I read the readings from my mom's chair. I need a church community, I need to be among people who know what it is like to feel bad, and they have risen above the "badness" of their lives and made it to church. It's all good, and deep down inside spiritual seekers know that truth. So, there's next Sunday...

am i invisible?

2009-11-12T14:07:00.000-08:00

I wonder sometimes if I'm invisible. It would seem so, sometimes. I have to walk about a block to my building from the parking lot. Because I am unsteady walking long distances and being on uneven ground, I use my faithful walker. I call my walker my Snazzy Mercedes. It has wheels and brakes,. It is interesting to observe people going to the same building. Some will rush ahead when they see me, so they don't have to share the intersection wiith me. Their discomfort as seeing me is palpable. You can see it on their faces. Oh, boy, that lady makes me feel uncomfortable, let me get ahead so I don't have to acknowledge her, or hold the door open for her. if I just move a little faster maybe I won't have to make eye contact with her.

I smile and say good morning anyway. I observe that the people rushing in to pay their PSE&G bill, the people of Camden are more likely to hold the door open for me, than the suited people headed to work. Very interesting dynamic. How the Lord uses me. Sometime I can tell the perosn who has the change of heart midway through the intersection and decides to slow down to make sure I don't get hit by a car, kinda like what would their mother say type of reaction, a second thought. Very interesting. WhatnowLord?

The case of the why bothers

2009-03-24T17:12:00.000-07:00

When one is handicapped it is easy to feel the why bothers. It will take too long to get out of the car with my walker and get into the store, when all i need is milk, why bother. It will take me too long to cross the street, why bother. Going to the mall is scary when I am alone, why bother. Going to the movies alone, something I used to love to do, but now, why bother. Going to a concert with all the extra work, going into my favorite restaurant at work, where there are many lines and lots of people, I will be in the way, why bother.

WHY BOTHER, you say? Well, just because, number one - I'm worth the bother. God does not make junk, right?

And so I put the why bothers away in the closet and in late February I flew to Florida where I met an old friend, and together enjoyed five great days at a spa! How cool! Massages, facials, pampering, hot spring pools - I'm worth it. I bothered - and it was all good.

This past weekend I escaped to Holy Cross Monastery on the Hudson in West Park, New York. A peaceful haven of prayer and solitude, and some great food! I bothered, and it was good.

Why bother - well, because I can and I must. God still calls me to be all I can, and it's worth the bother. God carries me!! I stil start my day calling out, WHATNOWLORD?

Do you Best!

2009-02-13T12:01:00.000-08:00

2 Timothy says ,concentrate on doing your best for God, work you won't be asahmed of, laying out the truth plain and simple... (according to Peterson). It is not easy using a walker and limping into the courtroom sometimes. I know a lot of people are looking at me and wondering what happened. Some have looks of pity on their faces, and others ask me why I work. I was never asked why I worked when I was able bodied, but a walker sometimes gives the permission for that question to come forth. I work because I can, because I have been blessed with a skill that is unique and that I do with my moutn shut! Some consider that a big blessing. I work because I am intent on lisitening, and while listening and watching the parties I can pray. Who can beat that??

what now Lord?

2009-01-31T21:36:00.000-08:00

It has been just a short time since my life as I knew it, my "normal" life changed forever. It was May of 2007, memorial day, and as I packed to head to the casino for a day of spending money I didn't have, capped off with a facial and massage at the casino spa, a crippling pain, the feeling of a steak knife ripping down the entire length of the back of my leg sent me to the floor. I would never again be the same. As the pain consumed me, I only could yell, WHAT NOW LORD!?